How to Cope With Feelings of Jealousy During the Surrogacy Process

The surrogacy process comes with all kinds of unique challenges that most people haven’t faced. There are unique joys, as well. But, as an intended parent, you are likely to feel a whole range of emotions on this journey to parenthood.

One of the more difficult obstacles for many intended parents, especially intended mothers, is the feeling of jealousy. It can come on quickly and without warning, leaving you wondering why you feel this way and what to do about it. This is what you wanted, after all. You chose surrogacy. So why do you feel jealous of the surrogate carrying your baby?

There’s a lot to unpack here, but the most important thing for you to know is this: What you are feeling is completely natural.

Feelings of jealousy during the surrogacy process are common. It is okay to feel the way you are feeling. As you process your emotions and find the best way forward, here are several things to consider.

Don’t Deny What You Are Feeling

Desiring the special connection that comes with carrying your child is completely natural. That desire may manifest in the form of jealousy during a surrogacy process. Don’t try to squash that feeling or pretend it doesn’t exist. Acknowledge this completely normal emotion and give yourself grace as you deal with it.

Attempting to ignore your feelings with just leave them to fester and grow, which could create a rift in your relationship with the surrogate, making the whole process much more difficult and frustrating.

Set Boundaries in Conversations

People are going to have a lot of questions about your surrogacy process. On the one hand, they are asking because they care. Of course, you want to be kind and, to the extent you are comfortable, let people into your life. They can be there to provide support and encouragement for you.

It’s also important to set boundaries on these conversations. Some feelings are best kept private. It’s up to you where this line is. Listen to your emotions. What makes you uncomfortable to discuss? You always have the right to not answer questions.

Remind Yourself of the Positives

You’re about to be a parent! This is an exciting time in life. You shouldn’t deny the hard parts of the process or pretend those challenges don’t exist. But focusing solely on the bad erases all of the good. There’s a lot of good right now, too!

The joys of parenthood bring some of the most fulfilling moments in life. The memories you are making now, and the many memories you will make in the years to come, will be amazing. Meditate on the many blessings this process will ultimately bring to your life. Focusing on the positive can help your feeling gradually shift.

Find Ways to Create Excitement

The surrogacy process is going to feel all-consuming when you are in it. However, you still have the rest of your life. Find ways to remind yourself of all the other things you have going for you. Go on a date with your partner. Spend time with family and friends. Grab a happy hour drink with coworkers.

Whatever you need to do to remind yourself that life is big, beautiful and fun — do it. Taking your mind off the process, even if only for a couple hours, can be refreshing and rejuvenating.

You Can Have a Great Relationship with Your Surrogate

One of the best ways to thwart jealousy is having a strong relationship with your surrogate. You shouldn’t expect to be best friends. But, you can be friends. As you develop a bond, you’ll begin to see your surrogate for who she really is — a complex person with strengths and flaws, not just a woman carrying your baby. This perspective will make it easier to avoid feelings of jealousy because you care about who she is as a person, not just as a surrogate.

There are many strategies for developing this relationship, and American Surrogacy would be happy to talk through them with you.

Have Questions?

These are challenging feelings to figure out. If you have more questions and would like to speak with us, you can call 1-800-875-BABY(2229) or contact us online at any time. We would be happy to talk with you about what you are experiencing. Or, if you are still considering surrogacy and doing your research, we’d be happy to answer any of your questions.

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