Even in the midst of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, friends and families will be finding ways to come together this holiday season, whether virtually or in-person. And, if you’re a woman in the middle of a gestational surrogacy journey, that means you’ll likely be on the receiving end of a slew of questions and comments from the family members you haven’t seen in a while. Unfortunately, their curiosity and opinion on your status as a gestational surrogate can get a little grating, or can even be downright insensitive.
So, help you handle the holiday season (and the resulting inquiries) as a gestational surrogate, here are 10 things you might hear and some ways in which you can respond:
1. “How much are you getting paid?”
It’s not considered polite to discuss financials in most situations. Most people wouldn’t casually ask each other how much they make in a year, or what their home cost.
It can also be frustrating that so many people focus on the compensation aspect of surrogacy, when it’s such a small part of your experience. Your motivations were altruistic and you want people to recognize that you’re doing this because you want to help a family.
Here are a few go-to responses:
- “That’s confidential, per my surrogacy agreement.”
- “I’m not actually doing it for the money.”
- “That’s not your business.”
2. “Who’s baby is it?”
People are often curious about who the baby is biologically related to. Whether the intended parents are both biologically related to the baby or gamete donation was involved, it’s against your surrogacy agreement to breach their privacy. That question is also just something you wouldn’t ask people, normally, so it’s a bit annoying.
End the discussion with:
- “Does it matter?”
- “It’s the intended parents’ baby, regardless of genetics.”
- “That’s not your business.”
3. “I could never carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up.”
This comment comes across as a little judgemental, self-centered and ignorant: All at once.
Feel free to answer with a firm:
- “I’m just babysitting. Do you find it hard to give someone else’s kids back after babysitting?”
- “Well, then, I guess that’s why you’re not a gestational surrogate and I am.”
- “That’s not your business.”
4. “So, do you breastfeed the baby?”
People always want to know about how some of the more intimate aspects of childbirth play out in surrogacy situations. And then, they sometimes want to place their own opinions on these matters, even though it doesn’t concern them in any way.
You can just succinctly say:
- “The intended parents have a nutrition plan set in place.”
- “No. I may decide to pump for a while if they ask me to, but that’s our decision.”
- “That’s not your business.”
5. “Can you keep the baby if you wanted to?”
Oh, boy.
Make sure you’re clear when you say:
- “It’s not my baby. I’m giving it back, not ‘giving it away.’”
- “No. It’s illegal and I wouldn’t want to, anyway.”
- “That’s not your business.”
6. “Isn’t it hard on your kids and husband? Do they understand?”
If your family wasn’t on board with your decision to be a gestational surrogate, you wouldn’t even be answering these questions. But, most people don’t know that the support of a surrogate’s children and spouse are required to even start the gestational surrogacy process.
So, briefly explain:
- “They understand perfectly well, and support me.”
- “Their support was required and given before I even signed on to become a surrogate.”
- “That’s not your business.”
7. “Why didn’t they just adopt?”
This question always betrays the person’s ignorance about the intricacies of the adoption process. Not to mention the fact that it seems to equate adoption with “saving” a child, which is a problematic attitude.
Break it down for them with a quick:
- “It’s not as easy as ‘just adopting.’ Adoptive parents must meet a series of strict requirements before they can be approved to adopt a child.”
- “Why don’t you ‘just adopt?’ Everyone has their reasons.”
- “That’s not your business.
8. “How did you get pregnant?”
Either they don’t understand how the science works, or they (horrifyingly) believe that gestational surrogates need to conceive the baby with the intended father in “the old fashioned way.”
Give them the short version with:
- “Go research the IVF process.”
- “Embryos are implanted with a lot of careful planning and the help of doctors.”
- “That’s not your business.”
9. “I don’t know why you’d want to go through pregnancy and childbirth if it’s not your kid.”
…Ok.
Shrug off that unsolicited opinion with:
- “Good thing you’re not a gestational surrogate, then, huh?”
- “I’m fine with being pregnant and giving birth if it helps someone else become a family.”
- “That’s not your business.”
10. “I heard about this surrogate who….”
Honestly, a good eye-roll is probably enough to express how you feel about this type of comment.
Or, you can use your grown-up words, like:
- “Cool story, bro.”
- “Horror-story situations are the ultra-rare exception to the rule, and most occurred in situations of traditional surrogacy and usually happened before surrogacy contracts and agencies were a thing. This isn’t like that. At all.”
- “That’s not your business.”
One More Time, with Feeling: “That’s. Not. Your. Business.”
As long as you’re respecting your surrogacy contract and the privacy of the intended parents, how much (or little) you disclose about your gestational surrogacy process is entirely up to you. If you’re feeling particularly patient, you can use these types of questions and comments as a teaching moment for your loved ones. But, if you don’t feel like being the ambassador to all-things-surrogate, there’s nothing wrong with telling them the tried-and-true, “That’s not your business.”
Not sure how to navigate the holiday season as a surrogate? Worried about staying safe and healthy? Reach out to your American Surrogacy specialist for information and support at any time.