What happens between you and your surrogate once your baby arrives? Some families become genuine friends and stay close for years. Some exchange holiday cards or occasional photos, then gradually lose touch. The rest say thank you, wish each other well, and move forward separately.
Surrogacy coordinators who understand these dynamics help you figure out what works for your situation. At American Surrogacy, we help families navigate these decisions without overthinking it.
Here’s what post-surrogacy relationships look like, how to keep communication straightforward, and what support you can expect from your agency.
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Understanding Your Relationship with Your Surrogate After Birth
Talk to ten families who’ve been through surrogacy, and you’ll hear ten different stories. How you got along during pregnancy tells you something about what comes next. Connected and became friends? You’ll want to keep that going. More professional relationship? It tends to stay that way. But things shift. What seems right at delivery can look different six months later.
Early conversations with your coordinator about expectations prevent a lot of confusion and awkward moments. They also step in when your needs and your surrogate’s don’t quite align.
How Surrogacy Coordinators Support Post-Birth Relationships
Coordinators do more than logistics—they help with relationships, especially once your baby arrives.
Think of coordinators as neutral third parties who help you work through difficult conversations. Monthly photo updates? Holiday cards only? Annual visits? Having these conversations through your coordinator—or with their help—keeps things from getting awkward.
Sometimes your expectations don’t line up. You assume you’ll stay in touch and your surrogate needs space. Or she wants more contact than you can manage with a newborn.
Having someone in the middle who helps both sides understand each other? That makes a real difference.
At American Surrogacy, our coordinators stay available to help with these conversations, offer perspective, and make sure everyone’s comfortable. We see this ongoing support as part of our responsibility to both you and your surrogate.
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Healthy Communication and Boundaries
Staying in touch after birth works when everyone knows what to expect. But what sounds obvious to you might mean something completely different to your surrogate. Talking about it upfront saves confusion down the line.
Start by thinking about what would suit you. Do you want to share big milestones? Send photos every few months? Or do you need some privacy while you’re getting used to being parents? Your surrogate has preferences too.
While some love getting updates and watching the baby grow, others would rather step back and let your family bond independently. Finding common ground matters most.
When this conversation seems uncomfortable, your coordinator will get it started. They’ll also check in later to make sure everyone’s still on the same page. What works at first won’t necessarily work forever. Adjusting as you go is natural.
Choosing How to Stay Connected
Pick whichever communication method seems most natural. Some people text. Some email. Some send actual cards.
Whatever requires the least effort while still being genuine is probably your best option. Staying in touch should be enjoyable, not like another chore.
When Intended Parents and Surrogates Stay Connected Long-Term
The most meaningful post-surrogacy relationships? They happen when families stay close well beyond those first few months.
What Long-Term Relationships Look Like
What that looks like depends on the people involved. You send photos when your kid hits milestones. She sends a card at Christmas. You meet up for coffee when you’re in the same area, or she comes to birthday parties. Some families consider their surrogate an aunt or godmother.
These friendships work when both people want them, not because you sense an obligation. Trying to force a close relationship rarely goes well. But when it’s natural and both of you put in some effort? It can mean a lot—including to your kid someday when they’re old enough to understand their story.
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When Your Surrogate Prefers Limited or No Contact (and Why It’s Not Personal)
Many surrogates want space afterward. It doesn’t mean she regrets anything or doesn’t care about you—it means she’s ready to get back to her regular life.
Pregnancy takes over everything for nine months: appointments, physical changes, hormones, giving up foods and activities. Once the baby’s here, most surrogates want to focus on their own kids, get their body back to normal, and return to their routine. She’s prioritizing self-care.
Some surrogates find that staying in touch makes it harder to move forward emotionally. They need distance to process everything and close that chapter. It doesn’t diminish what she did—she just needs to handle it her own way.
Those bonding chemicals that happen during pregnancy don’t know you’re not keeping the baby. Some surrogates need space to let those feelings settle.
Your surrogate telling you she needs distance? Don’t take it personally. Her request is about her own emotional needs, not her feelings about you or your baby. The best response is respecting that and being grateful.
When It’s Time to Move On: Finding Closure
Not every surrogacy relationship lasts forever. Sometimes the right move is a sincere thank you and goodbye, then moving on with your lives.
People’s lives go in different directions. The closeness from pregnancy fades once everyone returns to normal routines.
You might prefer closing this chapter to focus on your own family, live too far apart for regular contact, or realize you don’t have much in common beyond the surrogacy experience.
Choosing closure doesn’t mean you failed or lack gratitude. You can deeply appreciate what she did without staying in each other’s lives permanently.
Not sure how to handle it? Your coordinator will help. They can set up a final conversation, coordinate exchanging notes or small gifts, or reassure you it’s acceptable to move on.
Some people want a formal goodbye meeting, while others prefer a heartfelt phone call or text. Whatever seems right for you both works.
Talk to a Coordinator About Your Situation
The Role of the Agency After Delivery
Our work at American Surrogacy extends well beyond delivery day. Coordinators stay available for questions, help with difficult conversations, and provide support while everyone adjusts to this transition.
Ongoing Support and Resources
Coordinators answer questions about what’s normal, help you work out boundaries, and give you an outside perspective when emotions are running high. Sometimes you need someone who understands these dynamics to tell you whether what you’re feeling makes sense.
We also connect families with resources that can help during this transition:
- Surrogacy-specialized therapists who understand the unique dynamics of these relationships
- Group sessions where you can process your experience with others
- Peer connections with families who’ve navigated similar situations
We usually check in at two weeks, six weeks, three months, and six months. These check-ins help us spot concerns early and ensure everyone’s doing well.
How to Talk to Your Coordinator About Post-Birth Expectations
Bring this up during pregnancy, ideally in your second trimester. That’s after you’ve gotten to know each other, but before the third trimester when everything gets more stressful. Gives everyone time to think without pressure.
Tell your coordinator what you’re hoping for regarding contact, and ask them to help you have that conversation with your surrogate. That way everyone knows what to expect before delivery.
Your coordinator can help with questions that seem awkward to bring up yourself:
- How often do you want to hear from each other?
- What’s the easiest way to stay in touch?
- Are you both comfortable meeting in person, or would you rather stick to digital communication?
- What happens when someone’s feelings change?
It could be a little uncomfortable at first. But having these conversations now beats dealing with hurt feelings or confusion after your baby’s here and everything’s more emotional.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Relationship Alone
Navigating your relationship with your surrogate involves unfamiliar territory for most people. Professional guidance makes this easier.
Our surrogacy specialists know how to facilitate tough conversations, help you set boundaries that work, and adjust when circumstances change.
Your surrogate did something significant for you. Finding the right way to acknowledge that—whether it’s staying close or parting ways with gratitude—is about being honest about what works.
Our coordinators help you navigate that in a way that respects everyone involved.