Embarking on a surrogacy journey will alter the course of your life.
Not only is it a road to fulfilling your dreams of parenthood, it is also a unique path that relatively few have walked. Your experience — the joys and hardships, victories and challenges — will be unlike most other roads to parenthood.
That’s why it is important — vital, even — for both partners to be completely committed to the process. A unity of mind in your relationship should be considered a requirement to begin the surrogacy process.
But, what do you do when one partner isn’t so sure?
Any disagreement within a relationship can create tension. This particular disagreement can be like a ticking time bomb if it is handled the wrong way.
Do you give in and give up on surrogacy? Do you plow ahead and start the process? Is there a middle road?
Each relationship is unique. We can’t give you an exact blueprint to navigate out of this disagreement. However, we have worked with many couples that started where you are. Here’s what we’ve learned about the best ways to respond to a partner who is not totally on board with surrogacy.
Evaluate Your Emotional Readiness
Everyone responds to grief in different ways. Grieving, accepting, and then healing after infertility is never easy, and it may take a long time. Finding alternative family-building options like surrogacy may bring hope back into your world. Your dreams of becoming a parent are very much possible.
But, that doesn’t mean you are ready, or that your partner is ready to move on from infertility. Take stock of your mental state. Ask questions like:
- Are you ready to move on from any current infertility treatments?
- Can you come to terms with parenthood without pregnancy?
- Does it bother you that someone else will carry your baby to term?
- Have you spent enough time processing your grief from infertility?
- Are you and your partner ready to commit completely to surrogacy?
There are no wrong answers. Be honest with yourself and within your relationship. The surrogacy journey won’t be right for you until each person is truly ready for it.
Infertility ushers in a confusing flood of emotions. There’s anger, grief, shame, anxiety, sadness and more. Additionally, there’s confusion about where to go next. That’s why infertility counseling is always worth considering.
Reaching out for professional help may be a foreign idea, but you are in uncharted waters. There are several different stages of counseling, and you can start and stop depending on what you feel is best. While it may be uncomfortable at first, counseling can be very helpful and is highly recommended.
Research Options Together
Are you working with an unacknowledged informational imbalance? If you have been doing your research on surrogacy, you likely understand the process. This may have given you an eagerness to get started. But, remember, there’s no reason to expect your partner to share your enthusiasm if you’ve been doing all of the research on your own.
Don’t assume that your partner knows what you know. Intentionally research your alternative family-building options together. This way, you’re working from a level playing field. These conversations will go much better when each of you is equipped with the same level of understanding.
And, while you’re at it, this is a good time to consider all options that could be available to you in pursuit of starting a family. For example, our sister agency, American Adoptions, has been providing nationwide domestic infant adoption services for more than 25 years. If surrogacy isn’t sitting quite right, have you considered adoption?
There are many amazing ways to start a family, and we support whichever option is best for you and your partner.
Processing grief, working through disagreements, researching complex family-building options — these things take time. The most important thing is that you experience the best long-term outcome. Move toward that goal at the pace you are both comfortable with. If that means taking weeks, months or even more than a year to step into your surrogacy journey, that’s okay.
Speak with One of Our Surrogacy Specialists
Of course, you can always call 1-800-875-BABY (2229) or contact us online at any time to speak with a surrogacy specialist. Your partner may have questions you can’t answer, and a conference call with a specialist may be just the thing to clear things up.
American Surrogacy will never pressure you into the process. We believe that each family requires a different approach. You’ll get honest, unbiased information from our specialists that will help you make the best choice.
Being out of step with your partner about issues like this can be difficult. With these things in mind, and the guidance of professionals, you can plot a course forward.
We look forward to hearing from you.