3 Tips for Dealing with Loss of Control as Intended Parents

Being an intended parent when your surrogate is pregnant is certainly an exciting time. The baby you’ve been dreaming about for so long is finally on their way, and you’re closer than ever to finally becoming parents.

However, just as there is great deal of excitement for you throughout this process, there is likely a degree of stress and concern, too. After all, you’re not there with your surrogate 24/7, and you may not be able to be there for every milestone that you have been looking forward to.

This will be an emotional time for you, and dealing with the loss of control over your baby’s development and your own infertility struggles can be hard. Fortunately, you’ll have your surrogacy specialist to listen to your concerns and answer your questions at every step along the way.

Still, you likely want to know exactly how you can cope with some of these difficult emotions, especially feeling helpless and out of control during the surrogacy process. Whether it’s while your surrogate is pregnant, or during your infertility struggles or the embryo transfer process, here are some tips we offer to help cope with those emotions.

1. Acknowledge and accept your loss of control.

Surrogacy is a partnership; you will not be in charge the whole way through. Therefore, you must trust that your surrogate will do everything she’s agreed to, including ensuring a healthy pregnancy and lifestyle to protect your baby. Remember, surrogates are just as dedicated as you are to bringing a healthy, happy baby into the world — and are honored and excited to help you create your family.

However, when you can’t be there for the entirety of your baby’s development in utero, it’s normal to feel helpless and worry about your surrogate’s pregnancy. However, rather than constantly contacting your surrogate to find out how things are going, it’s important to give her space and channel these emotions into something more positive. The first step for doing this is to acknowledge and accept these emotions — to help you move forward from them and be more comfortable with your surrogate’s pregnancy.

It may take extra effort to acknowledge these feelings in a positive way, which is why we encourage intended parents to speak with their surrogacy specialist and other infertility counselors to work through these emotions in a healthy way. Recognize that this process may take time, but it’s incredibly important to make sure you’ve moved forward from these emotions to have a successful surrogacy experience.

2. Keep yourself busy.

When it comes to coping with feeling like you have no control over your surrogacy, one of the worst things you can do is sit around and ruminate about these emotions. Just as a watched pot never boils, a pregnancy will take forever if it’s all you’re thinking about, all the time.

Instead, it’s encouraged that intended parents try to go about their lives as normal, enjoying their free time before their baby is born. Stay busy with activities, and give yourself time to do things completely unrelated to your surrogacy and upcoming parenthood experience. The more you try to live your normal life during your surrogate’s pregnancy, the less stress and concern you’ll have about your baby’s development. While it’s normal to have periods of time when you worry about how your surrogate’s pregnancy is developing, keeping your mind and body busy will go a long way to making you feel happier during this process.

3. Create a strong relationship with your surrogate.

With American Surrogacy, you can know that any surrogate you’re matched with is fully screened and ready to commit to all the responsibilities of the surrogacy process. She understands what is expected of her during the process and is completely prepared to give your baby the healthiest development in utero possible.

While this screening can certainly help relieve some of your fears, it’s normal for feelings of worry and concern to still remain. Building a strong personal relationship with your surrogate can be very helpful when dealing with these emotions. When you have a strong relationship, you learn to trust your surrogate at a deeper, more authentic level. You can also more easily set up a communication schedule to keep up to date on your baby’s growth.

Remember, women become surrogates to help people like you reach their parenting dreams — and they’re willing to make this process as easy and as positive as possible for you. While it’s important to establish boundaries and give your surrogate her space, you can create a relationship that’s beneficial for both of you and helps you move past feelings of losing control over your own baby’s development.

These are just a few of the tips that our surrogacy specialists recommend to intended parents who are experiencing a loss of control and constant worry over their surrogacy’s progression. We are also happy to sit down with you and your surrogate to discuss these feelings in greater detail and find a compromising solution that works for you both. To learn more about what kind of support we can offer you through this complicated process, please call us today at 1-800-875-2229(BABY).

3 thoughts on “3 Tips for Dealing with Loss of Control as Intended Parents”

  1. I wanted to see if you had an research, resources, support groups, books etc. on dealing with Intended Parent infant loss during pregnancy via a surrogate/GC. Also the same for the other side of the journey, from the Surrogate/GC dealing with the loss. I am personally going though this and i have found no support or books etc. on this specific 3rd party reproductive journey. Our journey’s are much different than a naturally conceived pregnancy/loss.

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