What Should Our Relationship with Our Gestational Surrogate Look Like? [3 Helpful Tips]

Finding out you’ve been matched with a gestational carrier is one of the most exciting parts of the surrogacy process because you get to move onto the medical portion of the process. This brings you closer to having the family you’ve been waiting so long to have.

The relationship you will have with your surrogate will be one of the most important bonds you’ll have throughout the surrogacy process. It’s important to have a healthy and supportive relationship with your surrogate. After all, she’s committing a significant amount of her time and physical and emotional energy to this process. It’s important to establish a positive connection from the very beginning.

It’s normal to be unsure about what your relationship with your surrogate is supposed to look like, especially if you’ve never gone through the surrogacy process before. If you even feel unsure or need some guidance, you can reach out to your surrogacy specialist to get advice on how to navigate your relationship with your surrogate. We’ve helped intended parents and surrogates on their surrogacy journey and we can do the same for you too.

You can reach out to a surrogacy specialist at any time for advice and guidance on how to build a healthy and positive relationship with your surrogate. Or you can continue reading our helpful tips below.

1. Show Her That You Care, but Respect Her Boundaries

As an intended parent, you’re likely experiencing a lot of different emotions: Excitement, anxiety, anticipation, etc. But don’t forget that you’re not the only one experiencing a complex mix of emotions. Carrying someone else’s child for nine months can be emotionally complicated, especially when you factor in pregnancy hormones.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to her and see how she’s doing. Make sure that she knows she can talk to you about what she’s feeling or thinking if she needs or wants to. With this in mind, it’s important that you don’t cross personal boundaries. You can be there for her without disregarding her space and privacy.

Checking in too much might make your gestational carrier feel like you don’t trust her. This may make her withdraw, which may then make you want to check in again, feeding into an unfortunate cycle. We understand that as intended parents you wish you could carry your child yourself and want to be as involved as you can. But at the end of the day, your carrier is providing you with a valuable service and it’s important that you respect her boundaries.

When drawing up your surrogacy contract, these boundaries can be outlined. Make sure you adhere to any agreed-upon modes and frequency of communication, and try not to hover too much. This will foster a positive relationship between you and your surrogate.

2. Help However You Can

While respecting your surrogate’s boundaries is integral to a positive bond, also keep in mind that she’s taking on a big physical and emotional commitment by choosing to carry for you. Even if she’s excited to be your gestational carrier and enjoys being pregnant, being a surrogate in addition to family responsibilities, job obligations and other time commitments can be overwhelming.

As the intended parent, you should always offer to help in any way you can. If she needs financial help, be sure to reach out to your surrogacy specialist to make sure that she is compensated in the way she needs. You can also provide valuable emotional support through taking her out to lunch, creating some pregnancy care packages, or take her and her family out for a fun activity.

As important as it is to financially support your surrogate, providing emotional support will strengthen your relationship and makes sure she feels appreciated.

3. Stay in Touch

Even though the surrogacy process will end once your baby has been born, that doesn’t mean your relationship with your surrogate has to end. Many intended parents stay in contact following the delivery, and even maintain a friendship. Some even come to see each other as extended family.

Let your surrogate know that you want to remain in her life even after the delivery, and demonstrate this through your actions. It can be incredibly hurtful for a surrogate to provide you with such an amazing miracle and then be shut out by the intended parents after the process is complete. Of course, it’s important to make sure she is comfortable with contact after the pregnancy.

Your surrogacy specialist can help you figure out the best way to navigate interactions with your gestational carrier during the birth of your child and the hospital stay, as well as how to maintain a positive relationship after the birth of your child.

Having a healthy and mutually respectful relationship with your surrogate before, during and after the delivery will ensure a positive relationship for many years to come. If you have more questions about how to navigate the relationship between you and your gestational carrier, reach out to a surrogacy specialist today to get the answers you need.

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