It’s no secret — surrogacy is a long and complicated journey. If you are pursuing surrogacy to bring a child into your family, you may experience all kinds of emotional highs and lows along the way. Remember, it will all be worth it in the end.

That said, you’re not alone in feeling complicated emotions on your family-building journey. Here, we’ve gathered a few of the common thoughts that all intended parents have during their surrogacy process to help you prepare for the path ahead of you.

1. “Is this really the right path for us?”

Surrogacy is a big commitment to make — not only financially, but also in regards to the time and energy it will require from you as an intended parent. It can be hard to pull the trigger on such a process, especially if you’ve already spent years and a great deal of money on other infertility and IVF treatments. You may be torn between adoption and surrogacy. And, even after you choose surrogacy, there may still be lingering doubt of what’s the right choice for you.

This is all normal — and this is why American Surrogacy has surrogacy specialists available to answer your questions and address your concerns. Whether you are not sure that surrogacy is right for you, or you have normal doubts after committing to this process, let our professionals help.

2. “How are we going to afford this?”

Yes, surrogacy is expensive. It’s actually one of the biggest reasons that hopeful parents choose another family-building path. However, with proper financial planning (and research into grants and loans), you can afford surrogacy. Your surrogacy specialist will always be available to discuss our agency pricing and offer suggestions to help you afford the process of surrogacy.

3. “How will we ever find the perfect surrogate?”

It can be intimidating to find a woman to trust with your hopes and dreams of becoming a parent. After all, surrogacy is an intimate partnership, and it’s important that you are matched with a woman with whom you can create a genuine relationship.

When you work with American Surrogacy, the matching process is mutual, and you can know that every surrogate presented to you has already been pre-screened and approved for the surrogacy process.

4. “All this legal work is such a pain!”

Because surrogacy is a complicated process, there are a lot of legal steps required to protect not only your rights but also the right of your surrogate. Two separate surrogacy lawyers are needed to navigate the intricacies of your surrogacy contract, insurance, parental orders and more. It can seem like a lot at the time, but properly following legal requirements is crucial to making sure you, your surrogate and your baby are safe every step of the way.

5. “Are we bothering our surrogate too much?”

When your surrogate is carrying your baby, it’s completely normal to want to know how every single day is progressing. After all, you will be missing out on pregnancy and the development of your unborn baby, which can be a difficult thing to do. Even if you are present for milestones like ultrasounds and delivery, it’s not the same as being there for every second.

If you are worried about constantly being in contact with your surrogate, remember that she understands your situation. If you are in doubt about your contact frequency, refer to your surrogacy contract or contact your surrogacy specialist.

6. “Stop asking me rude questions!”

Surrogacy is still a new way of building a family. When you choose this path, you will likely receive questions and comments from friends and family — and some of them will be ignorant or insensitive. When you start hearing questions like, “How much are you paying?” and “What happens if the surrogate wants to keep the baby?” over and over again, it can grate on your nerves. However, remember that you will likely be most people’s first experiences with surrogacy, and this is an important opportunity to educate others about the non-traditional ways to build a family.

7. “I wish we could be carrying the baby…”

Pregnancy envy is a common emotion felt during surrogacy. If you are an intended mother, you may wish you could be the one experiencing your baby’s every moment in utero — that you could be the one feeling them move inside your uterus. Remember, these feelings are totally normal. If you are having difficulty moving forward from these feelings, speak with your surrogacy specialist. They can help you cope with the emotions you have and remind you that it will be all worth it in the end.

8. “This baby feels like it’s never going to come!”

When you’ve waited so long to have a positive pregnancy, waiting through the nine months of that pregnancy can seem like torture. You just want your little bundle of joy now! As tough as it can be, take this time to appreciate all of the things that won’t come as easily once you are a parent. Have spontaneous date nights and enjoy your last few months as the just the two of you before baby makes three.

9. “I never thought I’d have such a deep connection with my surrogate.”

Surrogates and intended parents have such a deep, intimate bond and a unique relationship. While it can sometimes surprise the surrogacy partners how close they can get during their surrogacy (and how close they stay after), it’s something that we treasure here at American Surrogacy — because we’ve seen it happen over and over. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself calling your surrogate a best friend by the time your journey is over.

10. “This was totally worth it.”

While you may experience some emotional ups and downs during your surrogacy process, one thing is for sure: You will experience an immense happiness when you finally have the child you’ve been dreaming about for so long. The challenges of your surrogacy journey will fade away the moment you hold your bundle of joy in your arms for the first time. As tough as it may be now, remember what awaits you in the future — and try to appreciate every moment that gets you a little bit closer.

Everyone has the right to become a parent, if they so desire. But, if you are an intended father living with HIV, you may not think it’s a possibility for you. In concern about passing along the virus to your child, you may have assumed that you could never have a biological child naturally or through assisted reproduction.

You couldn’t be more wrong. Today, advances have made it possible for many HIV-positive intended fathers like you to make their parenthood dreams come true — and bring a healthy biological child into the world. HIV is not the death sentence it once was, either for yourself or for your parenting dreams.

At American Surrogacy, we can help you reach those dreams whenever you are ready. In the meantime, learn more about the logistics of being an HIV-positive intended parent below.

Your Surrogate Cannot Be Infected Because of Your Sperm

You know that HIV is transmitted through unprotected sex and contact with other bodily fluids. Therefore, you would think any natural conception would be impossible from the moment that a man is diagnosed with HIV (although advances in medicine have now made this path possible).

However, surrogacy does not involve unprotected sex — it doesn’t involve sexual intercourse at all. During both gestational and traditional surrogacy, an embryo is created through harvesting of gametes and in vitro fertilization. Then, the embryo is transferred to the surrogate’s uterus, after which she carries the baby to term. Therefore, the main risk of transmitting HIV through seminal fluid is eliminated.

But, you may wonder: Can’t my baby catch the virus from my genetics? To answer this, you must understand the details of how HIV is transmitted.

In more than 4,000 cases of HIV-positive parents using ART methods to conceive a baby, not one case has resulted in the transmission of the virus to a surrogate or to the baby. This is because of a technique called “sperm washing.”

Using this technique, sperm is collected from an HIV-positive man. Medical professionals then separate sperm from infected cells in seminal fluid, using solely the sperm cells for the IVF process. HIV is transmitted through the seminal fluid, not the sperm itself. Researchers have reported that washed sperm is 92 to 99 percent free of the virus’s RNA.

For extra precaution, your fertility clinic may require your surrogate to be given antiviral medication before embryo transfer, although her chances of catching HIV — and transmitting it to your baby — are extremely low.

Therefore, you can pursue parenthood through surrogacy if you are an HIV-positive intended father — and American Surrogacy is happy to help you through this journey.

What Will Be Required From You

In order to protect yourself, the surrogate and your baby born via surrogacy, you must be considered noninfectious. These means you must:

• Be following your HIV treatment protocols
• Be taking medication as directed
• Have an undetectable viral load for a minimum number of months, as determined by your fertility clinic (usually six months or more)
• Undergo testing for sexually transmitted diseases

It’s important to talk with your fertility clinic to determine what steps you need to take to result in a healthy pregnancy and child. Your clinic, along with your primary HIV care physician, should be in close contact to create the best medical plan moving forward.

To create your embryo for IVF, you will usually provide two or three semen samples for washing. If you need a donated egg, you can work with your fertility clinic or a gamete bank to select a donor. If you are married to the intended mother and she plans to use her own egg, she will need to undergo egg harvesting to safely create an embryo for implantation.

If you choose to work with American Surrogacy, you must also meet the requirements for intended parents set forth by our agency. To learn more about these requirements, you can always call our surrogacy specialists at 1-800-875-BABY(2229).

HIV-Positive Parenting: It is Possible

Thanks to the advances in medical technologies, it is possible for you to have a child that is HIV-free. More and more HIV-positive parents are raising children today, and you can, too.

However, there are some things to consider about being an HIV-positive parent. For instance, it’s important that you focus on the importance of understanding exactly how HIV is transmitted (and how it is not) and what steps you should take to keep you and your kids healthy. Studies have shown that HIV-positive parents fear catching opportunistic infections from their children or transmitting HIV to their children through physical contact. For these reasons, more than a quarter of parents say they avoid physical interaction with their child. For example, many avoid kissing on the lips or sharing utensils, even though HIV is not transmitted through saliva. Understandably, this fear and avoidance is easily picked up on by children, creating a tense parent-child relationship.

If you choose to become an HIV-positive parent, proper education (for yourself and your child) is key. You may need to set certain hygiene rules that other families don’t have to avoid contact with blood and transmitting opportunistic infections. You will also need to make sure your child’s peers understand the realities of the disease; ill-informed children can be cruel and even dangerous in teaching the wrong ideas to others. You must also be prepared for prejudice or discrimination from other adults who are aware of your HIV-positive status.

Before you choose to pursue surrogacy as an HIV-positive intended father, take the time to research being an HIV-positive parent. Consider reaching out to HIV support groups for parents. Always speak in depth with your medical professionals to understand what different steps you may need to take as an HIV-positive parent. With the proper preparation, you can become the parent you’ve dreamed about for so long — and American Surrogacy is here to help.

To learn more about our surrogacy program and to discuss your personal situation with a surrogacy specialist, please contact our agency today.

While surrogacy is a family-building process that continues to grow in popularity and visibility, you may still be the only intended parents you know pursuing this route. But, how can you know what to expect from the path ahead of you if you don’t have fellow parents to learn from?

Your surrogacy specialist will always be there to support you and can always connect you to other intended parents if you wish to speak with some. However, some of the best ways to learn more about the surrogacy process is from someone who has been through it — and documented it in detail. This is where intended parent surrogacy blogs can be so beneficial.

With the rise of the internet and social media, more and more people are journaling through the difficult and exciting times in their life. It’s not a surprise that many surrogacy journeys have been detailed on intended parents’ blogs. It provides a way for these intended parents to not only work through their own emotions but also to connect with other intended parents like you, whether they are still exploring the process, in the middle of it, or have had a baby via surrogacy.

Here, we’ve provided a list of intended parent surrogacy blogs, surrogacy forums for intended parents and other online intended parents support groups to help you learn more about surrogacy from those who have been in your shoes.

1. American Surrogacy Blog

We know that there are a million little questions you may have about becoming an intended parent in the surrogacy process. We aim to tackle those in our blog, where you’ll find new content posted twice a week. While our blog does focus on all members of the surrogacy journey, you will also find specific intended parents’ blogs for some of these questions you might have. Don’t see what you’re looking for? Comment with suggestions of topics we should tackle next!

2. Our Misconception

Two intended parents blog through their infertility struggles, including their choice to pursue gestational surrogacy after six years of trying to conceive on their own. In 2013, they welcomed a baby girl via gestational surrogate.

3. Fox in the Hen House

Although the author of this blog has taken a break, it can be helpful to look back on her journey through infertility treatments, a failed surrogacy process and her adoption journey. Not every family-building process is right for everyone, and this can help you understand the realities of the different paths available to you.

4. Whitney and Erick

These intended parents brought a baby into their life through gestational surrogacy in 2014, and the intended mother documented her surrogacy journey after years of infertility.

5. Jason and Kerri

These intended parents completed their surrogacy journey in 2015 and welcomed a little baby boy. They created their website just for blogging about their surrogacy experience.

6. Mark and Teri

This intended parents’ blog explains how one couple tried three different surrogacy journeys — one international, two domestic — before they finally brought home a baby. Their surrogate ended up being a family member.

7. Our Journey to a Forever Family

One intended mother blogs about her journey through being diagnosed with endometriosis, undergoing fertility treatments, and eventually pursuing traditional surrogacy. After having one child through surrogacy, she and her husband adopted a daughter, as well.

8. Bake My Babies

Although an older intended parents blog, this blog follows a Mormon intended mother who pursued surrogacy to bring a child into her and her husband’s life.

9. Intended Parents Forum

Here, intended parents can read blogs and participate in forums about the surrogacy process from their perspective.

10. BabyCenter Community – Intended Parent Support

As one of the online surrogacy forums for intended parents, this website allows intended parents to share their stories, ask questions and learn from others who are considering, in the middle of, or have completed surrogacy.

Remember, you can always contact your surrogacy specialist to be connected with current and former intended parents like you. A sense of community and support is critically important in the surrogacy process, and we are happy to help you find the guidance and advice you may need.

Intended mothers who pursue surrogacy go through a lot. Often, they have spent months or years undergoing in vitro fertilization and other fertility treatments to no avail, have decided to pursue surrogacy and its additional costs, and are willing to accept the physical and emotional complexities of having another woman carry their child.

For many women, this aspect can be one of the most challenging of their surrogacy. When an intended mother has dreamed of being pregnant and having a baby for years, it can be difficult to watch someone else go through the process she thought she would go through herself.

This experience can often cause confusing emotions. If you are an intended mother considering surrogacy or currently in the surrogacy process, there are a few things you can do to alleviate the pregnancy envy you may feel.

Understand the Positives that Come from this Situation

As much as it may sting to see another woman carry your child, remember the reason you chose surrogacy — to give yourself the genetic child you’ve dreamed of for so long. When pregnancy envy becomes too much, think about all of the positive things this path will give you. You’ll be present for your baby’s birth, raise them from birth, and have a child who shares your genetics. At the end of the process, it will all be worth it.

What should you not do? Focus on the positives of not being pregnant (or let anyone try to convince you of them). If loved ones know you are struggling through pregnancy envy, they may try to make you feel better by mentioning all of the pregnancy experiences you are saved from: morning sickness, bloating, weight gain, etc. However, most intended mothers find that thinking about these things only exacerbate their envy. After all, they would take all of those “negatives” in a heartbeat if it meant they were able to be pregnant with their own child.

As tough as it can be, remember that there are positives that stem from the situation you are in — and the envy will pass when you meet your little bundle of joy.

Don’t Feel Obligated to Attend Baby Showers

This rule is helpful to both intended mothers who are pursuing surrogacy and hopeful mothers who are struggling with infertility. When you are coping with feelings of jealousy and anger about someone else’s pregnancy, you never have to participate in something that exacerbates those feelings (like a baby shower or baby clothes shopping). You must always do what is best for your own mental health.

If you are invited to an event that you know will only cause difficult emotions, don’t feel guilty in sitting it out. Consider sending a nice card or gift instead; your friends will understand.

Keep Conversations About This Topic Short

When you are an intended mother, people will often have questions for you about your surrogacy experience. Some of these questions may revolve around how you feel having a surrogate carry your baby — questions which can be hard to address when they bring up uncomfortable feelings.

You always have the right to answer or not answer whatever questions you receive about your surrogacy process. Sometimes, when people ask you about the aspects you’re struggling with (like missing out on pregnancy), it can be easier to just move past the topic. Dwelling on how you feel may only cause you more pain.

Fortunately, you can always respond to questions by stating you’re uncomfortable talking about it or that your contract prevents you from talking about it. People will usually pick up on this discomfort and drop the subject, allowing you to share these intimate feelings with only those you trust, like your spouse or your surrogacy specialist.

Be as Involved as You Want to Be in Her Pregnancy

How you cope with your pregnancy envy will always be up to you. What works to alleviate some intended mothers’ feelings may not work for you. This is where honest discussions with your surrogacy specialist can be so beneficial.

For some intended mothers, being involved in their surrogates’ pregnancies can help them overcome the feelings of jealousy and disappointment they feel at not carrying their own children. Surrogacy is a close partnership between intended parents and their surrogate; an intended mother can be there for the embryo transfer, important ultrasounds and the birth of her child. If she creates a close relationship with her surrogate, an intended mother can be updated on all the important moments of the pregnancy and feel like she is not missing as much as she thought she would.

However, some intended mothers might find this contact too much — and that’s completely normal. Still, because surrogacy is a partnership, it’s important that both parties are on the same page about contact moving forward. Only then can it be a positive emotional experience for all involved.

When you work with American Surrogacy, your surrogacy specialist will always be there to support you as an intended parent. If you find yourself struggling with pregnancy envy, your specialist can provide the counseling and guidance you may need to move forward in a positive manner.

Mother’s Day, as exciting as it is for many women, can also be emotionally challenging for those who have not yet achieved their motherhood goals. Whether you are still struggling with infertility, are in the middle of the surrogacy process or have had a child through surrogacy, your motherhood experience will be different from that of many other mothers.

This isn’t a bad thing — it’s just something to recognize when this day of the year comes along. Even long after motherhood is realized, the pain of infertility can rear its ugly head. Therefore, Mother’s Day can be a trigger for even the happiest of mothers.

At American Surrogacy and our partner agency American Adoptions, we celebrate mothers in all stages of their parenting journey. Below, you’ll find some advice for women in all parts of the surrogacy journey to make this Mother’s Day as positive as possible.

If You’re Struggling with Infertility

Women who are not yet mothers can have the hardest time on Mother’s Day. After all, it’s a day that celebrates all that you don’t yet have — but desperately want. When struggling with infertility, it can seem like your body has betrayed you, and being hounded with images of happy mothers and children can be emotionally devastating.

Know this: You always have the right to do what makes you happiest on this day. Your emotional well-being is always the most important thing.

Some intended mothers decide to completely sit Mother’s Day out. They know that trying to celebrate this day, even with important maternal figures in their lives, can make things harder — especially if you know you’ll receive endless questions about having children yourself. If this is the case for you, do an activity that is completely unrelated to the holiday and brings you joy. Use your coping mechanisms for your infertility journey to let out your emotions and address how you’re feeling.

On the other hand, you may wish to jump into Mother’s Day and turn your negative feelings into positive energy toward the important maternal figures in your life. Take the attention off of yourself by focusing on your own mother and other family members. Celebrating with your loved ones can sometimes help you forget your sadness and even enjoy yourself on this emotionally complex day.

If You’re in the Surrogacy Process

If you’re in the middle of a surrogacy journey on this Mother’s Day, you are likely feeling some conflicting feelings. You will need to address these emotions in order to have a positive day.

If your surrogate is pregnant, you probably can’t wait until this time next year, when you’ll finally have the little bundle of joy you’ve been waiting for so long. Because of this excitement, Mother’s Day might be easier than you imagine. You may consider including your surrogate in your Mother’s Day mentions; she would certainly appreciate receiving a token of appreciation like flowers or a small gift. After all, she is the reason you will be a mother, and she may be giving up precious time with her own children to help you reach your goals.

At the same time, you shouldn’t shy away from the more negative feelings you may have during this time. Your journey to motherhood is unique; you are missing out on some key experiences like pregnancy and childbirth. It’s important to acknowledge any feelings of jealousy or sadness on this day, or they may come back to haunt you later. Recognize how special your motherhood journey is, and don’t shy away from the realities of your situation.

Remember, if you are struggling with complicated emotions during your surrogacy experience, your surrogacy specialist at American Surrogacy is always available to offer guidance and suggestions.

If You’ve Had a Child Through Surrogacy

Finally, if you’ve successfully had a child through surrogacy, it may seem like your Mother’s Day would be like any other mother’s — full of joy and love. However, there are still some important things to consider after your motherhood goals have come to fruition.

The fact that you have a child now does not erase the months and years you likely spent lamenting your infertility. Don’t be surprised if these latent emotions show up at the most unexpected times, including during Mother’s Day celebrations. Your sadness about not experiencing pregnancy may reappear, especially when your child starts asking questions inspired by traditional Mother’s Day crafts at school.

Along the same line, you might find that your child wants to send a card to his or her surrogate on Mother’s Day. This does not mean that you’re not “mother” enough for him or her; it’s actually a sign of your child’s maturity and understanding of their surrogacy journey. Your surrogate played a large role in bringing your child into the world, and it’s a wonderful gesture to appreciate her on Mother’s Day.

If your child doesn’t suggest it, you may still consider including your child’s surrogate in Mother’s Day to teach your son or daughter gratitude and appreciation from an early age. Your surrogate is an important part of your child’s story, and she should not be forgotten. Mother’s Day is a day that celebrates all people who play a maternal role: whether they are female or male, related to the child or not. There’s never an issue with including more love and appreciation on this day.

Mother’s Day: A day when hardworking moms get breakfast in bed, flowers and gifts, and a day full of what they want to do. But, for thousands of families across the U.S., Mother’s Day is a bit complicated — because there’s no mother to celebrate.

Male fathers who have used surrogacy know that their child having a mother is in no way more important than having two loving, doting parents who happen to be men. But, when schools and society make such a big deal about Mother’s Day, it’s normal to not know how to approach this topic with their kid.

In most cases, children of two gay dads don’t overthink this holiday as much as their parents do. They accept the roles their fathers play in their lives and don’t feel left out on Mother’s Day.

However, if you’re a gay father concerned about how to address this subject with your child, find some guidance below.

Addressing the Role of an Egg Donor in Your Child’s Life

It makes sense for you to consider your child’s egg donor — their biological mother — when the second weekend of May comes around. After all, this woman is your child’s “mother” in a certain sense, even if she is not involved in their life in the way that a live-in mother would be.

If your child approaches you about celebrating his or her biological mom on Mother’s Day, don’t take it as a sign that you and your partner (if applicable) are not enough for him or her. All children are curious about their biological parents, whether they are born through an egg donation or they have a birth mother through adoption. Mother’s Day can be a great opportunity to open up a conversation about your child’s egg donor that may not have been there before.

You’ll want to always have your child’s egg donor be an open topic of conversation but especially on Mother’s Day, when your child may question why they don’t have a mother of their own to celebrate. If your egg donor is known, suggest that your child write her a card on this holiday — not so much a “Mother’s Day” card as an “Egg Donor’s Day” card. That way, your child can feel included in the holiday even if he or she doesn’t have a mother to celebrate.

To Involve or Not to Involve The Surrogate?

Similarly, many gay male couples use Mother’s Day as a way to celebrate their child’s surrogate. Some even decide to make it “Surrogate’s Day” instead.

However, when doing this, you will want to clarify that your child’s surrogate is no way their mother. Explain that, yes, other children may be brought into the world by their mother, but just because a surrogate gave birth to them does not create the same relationship. If you have properly explained your child’s surrogacy story, this will come as no surprise to them — but don’t be surprised if they ask more questions around Mother’s Day, especially if they are younger.

This can also be a great opportunity for your child to develop a relationship with their surrogate, if both parties are comfortable doing so. You might consider visiting your surrogate on Mother’s Day, or help your child create a card or letter for her, expressing their appreciation and how much her decision means to your family.

You also have the right to not involve your surrogate as you feel comfortable. However, even if you don’t make Mother’s Day completely about your surrogate, teaching your child empathy and appreciation by acknowledging her on this day is important.

How to Involve Your Child in Mother’s Day Celebrations

Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a big deal in a household with two fathers. The amount to which these kinds of families celebrate this day varies greatly; some deem this day another Father’s Day, while some don’t acknowledge it at all.

However, whatever you choose for your own household, recognize that your child will likely complete Mother’s Day activities at school and at other activities. It can be awkward for them to not be involved in these arts and crafts, so make sure to inform your child’s teachers about their situation prior to these activities and suggest alternatives for your child.

One of the most popular paths gay fathers take? Using Mother’s Day to celebrate the women in their child’s life who play an important maternal role.

Instead of ignoring Mother’s Day, use it as an opportunity to appreciate women like your child’s grandmother, aunts, close family friends and more. Suggest that your child create cards and put together small gifts for these women instead of focusing on the “mother” aspect of the day. Consider taking any childless women who play a role in your child’s life out to a nice meal or spend some quality time with them. They will appreciate it, and your child won’t feel left out of the Mother’s Day activities.

More than anything else, don’t stress about Mother’s Day if you are a gay dad. It can be tempting to overthink a holiday that has such significance in society today, but know that the lack of a mother has not been proven to harm a child. With proper foresight and preparation, you can create a Mother’s Day for your child that is meaningful and that works best for your family.

If you are an intended parent struggling with infertility or in the middle of the surrogacy process, you are well familiar with the difficulties of the path you are on. You know the sacrifices and tough decisions you made to get to where you are. That’s why it can be so frustrating and infuriating when someone else comments upon your personal life: a growing trend called parent shaming.

For some reason, with the power of social media, people feel compelled to hide behind their computer screens and judge other parents for their choices — whether that’s adoption, IVF, surrogacy or simply their parenting styles. When you’re going through the difficult process of assisted reproduction, these comments can be grating, especially when the commenter doesn’t really understand what your personal journey involves.

These are just a few of the comments you may have received or heard:

Why didn’t you just adopt? There are so many waiting kids.

Why did you spend all that money on IVF if you can’t even get pregnant?

Well, maybe if you just relaxed and didn’t stress about having a kid, you’ll actually get pregnant.

We’re sad to see the trend of IVF- and surrogacy-shaming become normalized online. So, what can you do as an intended parent to combat this shaming and judgement?

1. Think before you respond.

When someone comments harshly about your choice to pursue IVF or surrogacy, it can be tempting to quickly respond, fueled by the hurt and anger you’re feeling. However, take a deep breath and think about what you’re saying. Sometimes, to defend themselves, intended parents deflect by shaming the commenter for their parenting decisions. However, responding with judgmental comments will do nothing to solve the online-shaming problem.

2. Respond politely and with kindness.

Instead of lashing out, be considerate. Just because you are not speaking to the person face-to-face does not mean they don’t deserve the same kind of respect you would give in an in-person conversation. Politely thank them for their comment, but respectfully agree to disagree.

3. Educate them about IVF and/or surrogacy.

Often, judgmental comments about assisted reproductive technology come from a place of misunderstanding. For example, some people may believe that surrogates are “giving up” their own baby, which can inspire hateful comments. Take this opportunity to educate the commenter about the realities of the path you’ve chosen. Explain how you came to this decision, and emphasize that it was the right choice for your family.

4. Politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

Unfortunately, many people don’t come to social media to have an open, productive conversation. They don’t wish to have their mind changed but to instead reiterate their own points over and over. Therefore, it can sometimes cause more harm than good to engage them in a lengthy discussion. Instead, remind them that how you build your family is no one’s business but your own. You can also say you aren’t comfortable discussing your intimate family decisions with them. If they continue to engage you, ignore them or take steps to block them.

Remember, your emotional well-being is what really matters — not the opinion of someone on the internet.

Taking Steps to Stop the Cycle in Your Everyday Life

To stop infertility- and parent-shaming, consider your own life. Do you find yourself being critical of other parents, whether you express those opinions or not? Odds are, you have at some point — you’re only human.

But, when those thoughts arise, take a minute to remember that everyone’s situation is different. What you see as a breakdown in parenting may be a parent dealing with an impossible situation, like financial troubles or a death in the family. No parent is perfect all the time, and it’s not productive to criticize things that a parent is likely already self-conscious about.

There is no “right” way to be or become a parent, and it’s not your place to tell someone what they are doing is “wrong.” Instead, show a little kindness and support, especially of people who might share different beliefs than you. We could all use a bit of understanding in this day and age.